Money Honesty

A friend of the Wife has invited us, together with another couple, to her home to try out her cooking.

I have not met the Friend before. According to the Wife, she's our age, single and lives alone in a 1,400 sq ft apartment (large by HK standards) in an upmarket neighbourhood. The Friend had quit her job a number of years ago and have since been travelling and dabbling in some pet projects.

She had e-mailed the menu to the Wife and the other couple to let us know what she'd be cooking. When the Wife asked if we could contribute a cake or desserts over to round up the meal, the Friend replied,

"It's alright. I'll just let you know your share of the cost of the dinner later."

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Compared with our parents, my generation and those younger than us are a lot more comfortable dealing with money amongst our friends. For example, my parents will NEVER consider going Dutch when they dine with their friends. It is considered crass and unelegant. Those belonging to their generation seem to have an unwritten code to simply take turns to pay when they meet up over meals. They would rather not eat than to whip out a pocket calculator or mobile phone to work out how much each person at the table has to pay - a faux pas that my friends and I are constantly guilty of.

While people should not be shy about asking their friends to pay them what they owe, I have encountered several instances when even I think that the boundaries of decorum have been crossed - people have been too cavalier in dealing with the subject of money with their friends.

#1
The Wife and her group of close friends buy birthday gifts for one another every year. In recent years, as they have all grown older, gotten married and their tastes have changed, they seem to have run out of ideas when choosing gifts.

At first, they decided to chuck birthday surprise in favour of practicality and simply asked the birthday boy/girl what he/she wanted. After a while, they thought, "Oh what the heck, we've known each other for so long anyway" and started asking the spouses of the birthday boy/girl to buy the gift on their behalf (after getting an implicit nod over the cost) and then the rest of the group would pay her/him back.

Not long ago, when they were discussing online about where to celebrate a friend's upcoming birthday, they got an e-mail from the Birthday Girl :

"Thanks for organizing my birthday dinner. For your convenience, I have already purchased my gift. I'll pass you the receipt when we meet. You guys can pay me back later."

#2
For our wedding gift, a close friend of the Wife gave us an item that cost HK$3,000 (S$600).

Generous, right ? Not if I tell you that the friend was only paying the store HK$2,000 and we were to pay the balance when the gift got delivered.

"That's because I gave her a red packet of HK$2,000 when she got married" was the Wife's very matter-of-fact explanation. "So we're even".

I would have felt a lot better if the friend had just given us a gift or red packet of HK$2,000 or even less. She has not endeared herself to me by applying the concept of balance of payments to hers and the Wife's friendship.

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Coming back to the dinner at the Friend's home, the Wife and I have decided to treat it as a house visit anyway and bring a small gift. Even though we'll have to pay for dinner.